really f'n scared

9-24-05

Okay... I am numb as i am typing this... it's 6:43am... Now I know that I am awake becuase I am actually typing instead of writing in a scroll... I just relieved a foot cramp: i am so tense... Where do I begin?

I just took a piss and while I was at it I looked to my right and into the mirror, my face is blushed and beaten and my eyes are squinty and red with so much pain that it looked like tears were forming in their bottoms: I looked like I had just seriously been through an adrenaline rushed battle of some gigantic war, and then I just sort of "transported" out of it in an instant but it is so fresh in my mind that my heart is still racing so fast that it feels like it is either just vibrating or not pumping at all...

I look to my window, It's getting lighter out but theoretically, a tall winged gargoyle looking demon could walk by on the sidewalk and look in my window and I swear to God I will rip my fucking eyelids off this time in hopes that I am doing the same thing in my sleep in my real life and hopefully the pain will wake me up before the demon gets me and i will never sleep again...

I was in the kitchen of my parents house talking to my mom and asking her for money to live off of or I need something and she was busy racing around getting ready for work or getting ready to go somewhere and couldn't listen to me...

Then I was at Hyland and I felt that everyone knew that I was one of the best snowboarders there. I stayed humble, didn't let anything go to my head, but I could sense the people talking about me once they saw  and recognized me as I walked along the bottom of the park in winter casual wear with a jacket and jeans. There was a big wooden table top that they were having a competition about and I watched myself huck some double-backflp spinny maneuver off of it and people had done cooler stuff but not a lot, I was still up there with the good guys...

I was lost downtown where the trains ran under the walkways to the parking garages where the buses usually are by the target center by the Quest where you can get on 394 and they were big underground high tech trains like in a futuristic New York and I got off and was looking for my mom and sister and brother. I walked through a door and found them but we were all going in different directions and couldn't talk much, but I didn't know where I was going. We had plans but I don't remember what they were right now...

I was on a little kiddy-train ride on a very dusty and cloudy day out in these mountains with a bunch of people that I supposedly knew or worked with or something and we curved around some kindergardeners doing arts and crafts... I wanted to help them... I talked to their teacher, who was my age, about the kids...

I was in a story about a rich family and their life, it took place in Europe in the days of Castlevania and it was in a big mansion that was old fashioned but looked Dutch or something. My family was there along with a bunch of my brother's friends and we had to move all these toys and old sporting goods out of one part of the house for them to be picked up. It was like there was a store like a ToysR Us and a Sportmart underneath the big mansion, which had to be as big as a large corporate building. 

There were girls and guys and aunts and uncles and parents of many families, and the mansion was so big and old that as I walked around exploring it, I only ran into one of them at a time. In one of the rooms near the main floor, it was large like a small gym with a lower ceiling and it had a very dark brown wood floor, and me and the boys that were affiliated with the rich families were training for the military. We just did jumping jacks and standing exercises for about an hour and then we continued our lesson from the day before on how to kill someone with our bare hands. Then, when I was getting dressed into my clothes in another big room after I had showered, I had on my dark blue jeans and my black blousy shirt and I was taller and more bulky than usual. A lot stronger. 

There was this girl that my brother knew that was trying to move the  same things as me and she followed me around and annoyed me for a long time and in that long time, I kept running into my mother and trying to focus on her and talk to her and move my tasks to her so this girl would leave me alone. I even had to avoid her at the train station where all of these other girls were asking me about kathy and they were kathy's friends and when the work was almost done and all of the stuff was transported into the big "moving machine" I was racing to get to the machine before this girl and I got so annoyed that I stomped her off the pulley system that she was hanging on and started punching her in the face until her neck broke and she died. Then I was walking around the house, and I was a vampire and had to kill but I didn't want to, but when this girl walked by me in the house I bit into her fleshy neck and tasted her warm muscle and warm blood and I almost puked. Then I beat some guy to death in another room and I felt even worse! I couldn't believe that I was actually killing people because it felt so wrong! Then I crossed paths with this bigger girl in a black sweater and I told her that I was going to kill her right before I grabbed her head and bent it backwards until I felt her neck crack and she fell backwards to the floor. I was then back on the train in the mountains and we were going past all these tables in a grassy open area. The atmosphere was gray and foggy and cloudy and these girls my age were teaching the kindergardeners how to put puzzles together at the tables and I walked up to the last table which had a bucket of cookies on it but then someone on the train told me [reminded me] that the cookies were for the little kids. Then I was in this big corporate construction site surrounded by these big structures of metal that were being made into big business bildings out in the middle of nowhere, again with a dark gray sky. 

The kindergardeners tables and kiddy projects were there and through the puzzles I began to chart my trick mixing and beat juggling strategies in a notebook, or they were already charted and I was looking at them and studying them for a while, trying to understand how they were documented. They looked like family trees: black lines connecting capital A's and B's and 1's and 2's and names of records and times but most of all it was black lines telling which led to which and so on... 

then I was playing this computer came, it was in real life but while it was going on I was behind a black PC keyboard, and it was a game like twisted metal except we ran around on foot trying to pick up weapons and kill eachother; me and all the construction workers of this corporate construction site. Mike the meth addict was there and teling me to hit the space bar, which i kept doing, to shoot everyone as best as I could. 

At some point in time, I was at the big mansion in the same room that me and the young guys did the military training in, and I was recollecting how we were to kill people. I heard symptoms telling me that killing was wrong, and yet I knew people that killed other poeple. I knew that these guys had gotten into fights and killed the other guy at the end of the fight, and I was around them every day! I suddenly became paranoid that they werent my friends or could stop being my friend at any time and get mad and kill me! I was back at the construction site with the gigantic red structures and there were explosions and fires all around me and demons that looked like big light gray dragons with wings and were about 20 feet tall were walking around killing everyone and flying in the sky. I ran from them through the dust and dirt that made up the ground and hopped a pile of construction garbage made up of drywall and concrete and pipe and just waste that is left over when building buildings, and there was a phone booth looking thing, except a little bigger than a phone booth, more like a crane operating station [cockpit] where the guy operated the crane except without the crane. It was just sititng there by these piles of wasted and unused material and dirt, and there was this dirty dark gray sleeping bag laying on the ground on the other side of the piles that I got into and zipped up over my head to hide from the demon that was walking 30 feet in front of the sleeping bag. Then I realized I must be dreaming. I closed my eyes but could hear the demon coming closer to the sleeping bag by it's footsteps in the dirt, and then it sort of batted at me like it was a dinosaur smelling me. My heart was beating out of it's chest i was so scared, i was dirty and my hands were dirty but I put them over my eyes and chanted to myself "Just wake up." Everything got quiet for just a moment and i figured that I was in another world, awake, but when i opened my eyes I was still inside the dirty sleeping bag but there was no sign of the demons in my senses of hearing or smell, so I threw back the sleeping bag cover from my face and I was still in the same world of the red stuctured construction site but the demon was gone. I then knew that I was awake and this was the real world and I had to document everything that was happening becuase the rest of the world would have to be warned. I got out of the sleeping bag and reached in through the window of the crane cockpit and opened the locked door from the inside, then before I pulled open the door, I pulled an old, dusty and wrinkled steno pad and a pen out the window, then I opened the door and sat on all of the garbage on the seat and wrote with the pad on the steering wheel and large levers. 

I first tried to write: The city of the dead...

but the pen was dead. I scribbled it around on the corner of the page until it drew circles and then I wrote again, over the mere letters scratched faintly in the page: 

The city of the dead...

Every man that has killed another person is DAMNED...

then I wrote some stuff like:

Demons are taking over the world

this is judgement day if I ever saw the END

People be warned, that GOD has put us to this

I have to go now and find my family...

Warn your families...

Then the demons started coming back so I grabbed the notebook, got out of the crane cockpit and quickly climbed into the sleeping bag again to hide. This time the demons, who were extremely fast, knew right where I was and started biting me through the sleeping bag and laughing at me for being so stupid for hiding in the sleeping bag. As I felt their jaws on my sides and arms and legs and skull, I knew that this was the end, I would learn a lot as this would be my slow and painful death, there was nothing I could do but just get eaten up by them. I put my arms up and tried to fend off their bites from inside the sleeping bag and protect my vital organs, and protect the writing that i had done...

As I was still punching the blanket at random to put up as much of a fight as I could, my mom pulled the blanket off my head and wondered what I was doing. I was in my room, dark wood floors, dark wood outlining the row of windows that ran across the wall all the way, all the way around the large room, and I could see that it was very early in the morning as the whispy clouds in the sky looked dark blue but the sunrise was hot pink in the distance. I only looked for a second, then I pulled the notebook out and insisted that somehow I knew that the world was ending. I read to her what I had written, and she blew if off like it was nothing. She said that I had a bad dream and after breakfast she is going to take me to the hospital, not to worry, until she looked out the far wall and saw a gray dragon-looking demon staring at us from outside, when she screamed [one of the most painful noises I could ever hear] my heart again beat out of my chest to the point where I couldn't breath, and then I wondered if I was really awake even still, so just to check, I grabbed my eyelids, knowing that the end of the world was upon me, and I lifted them off my eyes. They felt like clay, I looked into gray blindness, and then my mind did a somersault and I realized that I was holding my eyelids with my hands over my eyes in my soft bed, in my apartment, in uptown Minneapolis. My heart still racing as I knew for certain that I had been awake for at least five minutes, but this time I wasn't wearing the dirty hooded sweatshirt and jeans, I wasn't dirty and dusty and sweaty, I was in my boxers, and the sheets felt cold on my skin as if the clothes had just disintegrated off my body. As my eyes felt like they were just waking up and were full of sleep, I realized only at this time that I had been dreaming all along, and I didn't have my vital writing that I did in the crane cockpit about the demons, but since I read the first two lines to my mom when I woke up  the first time, i remember generally what they were about like it is life and death, burned to the essence of my inner soul...